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[ sorry, he's like a bulldog...

he "guesses"....... okay. ]

Narukami told me he says it to everyone, so I imagine he proposed rather frequently to you... I think you staying by his side regardless is evidence enough of his merits, however.

[ even though, really, it's the other way around; the fact amagi stays by shiina's side despite everything is the sticking point, but kaname doesn't know that. anyway!!! ]

How long have you two known each other? I'd like to know more about Amagi -- what is it you first saw in him, and what made you want to be his friend. If... that's alright.

[ since it's. a little weird to ask about, he guesses -- but amagi definitely wouldn't give it to him straight, but shiina would. maybe. ah, actually-- ]

--Do you want to come in.

[ help ]

[WHOA... He's really invested in this! He's not sure if Kaname is genuinely curious or if it's just the human nature of being drawn to gossip. Niki isn't actually interested in delving too deeply into this stuff (it's personal, and because of the way Rinne handles Kaname, it doesn't feel appropriate), but he does like having an excuse to spend more time with people, so he decides to roll with this anyway. He'll figure it out.]

Wait, really? Don't mind if I do! ♪ Oh man, if I knew we were gonna hang out, I would've brought more snacks.

[These were meant more for Kaname and the others, so he'd feel bad for eating too many of them. But maybe just one... or two... It's no fun to eat alone, after all.]

We have plenty of [ healthier ] snacks in the kitchen, so feel free to make yourself at home. It isn't as if anyone is a stranger to you here.

[ ... hee. hanging out with shiina...

anyway come in, they can hang out in the kitchen. check out all their cute decor narukami's bought, some flower themes but just in general very white suburban woman. live laugh love type of stuff. he'll set the cookie box on the table so they can share it... ummmmmm what do hosts d oh right ]

Water or juice?

Juice, please~.

[Ohh, Niki's actually kind of excited about this. Before coming to this town, visiting other people's homes was something he rarely did. (Rinne didn't have a home for him to visit, and it's not like Niki had a lot of friends otherwise.) So in a way, this is still kind of a novel experience for him.

He'll politely take a seat at the table and open the box to retrieve one of his cookies.]

Thanks for taking care of me, Yodaka-kun! [He immediately and ruthlessly takes a bite out of one of his cookies. He doesn't have any remorse for how pretty they are.] Oh, right, about Rinne-kun...

[munch, munch...]

Let's see... I've known him for about four and a half years now, I think. [He "thinks," because time here is a little awkward. It had been summer back home when they left, but fall here, when they were pulled into this place.] The way we met was...

[munch, munch...]

Extortion.

[ four and a half years... that's such a long time. kaname hasn't known anyone half as long -- tatsumi is a year now in full, maybe, but even then time was... weird, and off between them. but four and a half?

wow... kaname pours lemonade for shiina, and he decides milk for himself -- which he promptly spills as he pivots on his heel back to look at the other. ]

Extortion?! What happened to Amagi being a good person? Did you reform him or something?!

[ please he's actually a little excited. just a bit. he also doesn't normally have people over, and now he's getting into amagi's sordid past as an extortionist?????? ]

Yeah, well, you know, Rinne-kun's always been a total menace~.

[He says this casually. He doesn't seem even remotely fazed by Kaname's apparent shock. He finishes up his cookie and licks the crumbs off his fingers.]

He's been like that ever since we met! I couldn't change him if I tried. [He would never, ever want to.] It was terrible, though. One day, I was living a normal life, and then the next, I was harboring a criminal... I really thought the cops were gonna come after us, you know? I didn't go outside for weeks!

[This is kind of an exaggeration, but it's also not exactly a lie? This really did happen.]

[ ...

he'll clean up his milk and bring the glasses over to sit down. enjoy your lemonade. he'll take a cookie but he isn't eating it yet he's into the story. ]

But what made you take him in, then? You can't be that much of a pushover, Shiina.

Oh, I am, though! I'm a total pushover. [He says this with a suspicious amount of enthusiasm? He's just stating a fact, though.] I let him stay because I really was afraid of getting arrested! But after that...

[He takes a sip of the lemonade. Hmm...]

Well, like you said, he's not inherently a bad person. And besides, I liked the company, I guess.

[ ... ]

Shiina.

[ with a soft tone. please. what the hell. ]

You worry others a lot, don't you.

Nahaha. Yep! I'm actually a pretty troublesome person, you know.

[This is also something he says way too easily. There are a lot of implications here, but Niki continues on just as effortlessly:]

But see, that's the thing about Rinne-kun. I mean, I'm sure I worry him a lot, but he never acted like I was troublesome. He just treated me like a normal person. He didn't think I was strange at all.

[It meant the world to him.]

[ how did you survive until you met amagi...

... is a question he keeps to himself, because frankly he's been through the wringer himself and barely scrambled out of hell too. people survive in all sorts of way. he just hopes shiina's wasn't anything like his. ]

That's because he's strange, too. [ naturally. waves his cookie around. ] Though I don't dislike that part about him, I suppose, it certainly is annoying at times.

[ though not in a bad way? maybe. munch-- oh. this is good. his face lights up and he closes his eyes to appreciate the taste, then slowly rests on the table. ]

You sound like a handful, Shiina. But I suppose handfuls aren't terrible -- Tatsumi-senpai was always one too, and he's turned out as fine as you have. What's it like, knowing someone for that long?

I don't think he's strange. I think he's very human.

[Maybe that's easy for Niki to say, because he also isn't normal. But if there's one thing he learned from him, it's that... it's okay to be like this. There's nothing wrong with being the way they are. They're just human.]

I feel like I've known him all my life! No one knows me like he does. He's the kind of person who notices all the little things about you. He'll remember everything you say, even the stuff that's not important.

[Like how he remembered his birthday or the foods he was excited to try (but couldn't afford) or the kinds of shows he liked to watch. He remembered even the things he didn't understand, like Niki's routine and other weird city customs... all those little things that other people never cared about.]

I never thought I'd have someone like that. I mean, even my family isn't like that. It's like... I guess for me, it's like there's someone even closer than that.

[ ...

no, it is very human. amagi is very human. kaname glances away, thinking of the last heavier discussion they'd had together, and... dips his cookie into his milk, munching into it. mm. oh, to have someone like that in his life. ]

... I think you're rather lucky then, Shiina. And-- you're right. Amagi is very human. [strange is just... a dismissing way to put it, but. shiina won't make fun of him. probably. ] He simply doesn't want others to think of him that way.

[ from one fake bitch to another: i see you. ]

It sounds nice, [ a little wistful, just a tad, ] to have someone that wants to know you so well.

[Niki isn't sure if Rinne is like that because that's what he wants people to think of him or if it's just— how he was raised. If it was how other people thought of him. But Niki won't correct Kaname about this—it's okay for him to be wrong about it, because Rinne probably wouldn't mind if people thought it was like that.

But as for the rest of what Kaname says... Niki just smiles.]

Right? I used to think I was the unluckiest person in the world. I mean, my luck still is pretty bad... I've been dealt the short end of the stick for pretty much my entire life. But when I think about him, I think maybe it's not so bad after all.

[He is lucky to have met Rinne. He's lucky to still have him, too. He thinks about it every single day.]

But you know, the world's full of good people, Yodaka-kun. I'm sure you'll meet someone who wants to know you that well, too.

[ kicks his feet under the table... he's trying to think of anyone who comes close. there's no one he particularly feels as if he's known for forever. maybe tatsumi, but-- he remembered everyone simply because he's tatsumi, so that wasn't anything special either -- he was the same then (kaname's present, only a year older and just within reach) as he is now (kaname's future, older by a few years and just out of reach) so... no, nothing special.

...

who'd want to know him that well?

actually, it's a little scary that someone would want to. would they still like him if they knew he was nothing and nobody? if they knew he couldn't do half of what he claims so boldly? if they knew he killed someone? if they knew he hated pears because of their apple-like texture with no apple taste?

...

after a bit of a long pause, using eating his cookie as a good excuse, kaname replies. ]

No, I don't think I want to.

[ he can't say that he understands shiina's lot in life. kaname's unlucky too; he always has been, and always worked hard to get himself into good graces. to find his own blessings and make his own luck. but it's because he's unlucky he can lose it all in an instant, and every bit of that is sitting precariously on its head right now in the nest.

oh, he'll be so thankful when that shoe drops. a nice little "i knew it was too good to be true". ]

These cookies are delicious, Shiina. I'm certain my brother and Narukami will enjoy them as well. How did you manage to make them look so pretty?

[ let's change the subject. ]

[Ahaha... He knows what he's doing. Part of him wonders if he should let it go... But he kind of understands where he's coming from, he thinks, so he'll say just one more thing for now.]

There's nothing wrong with that. It's kind of scary, isn't it? But I think if even someone like me can be loved, then anyone can.

[Because Niki felt the same way—he was nothing and nobody. He had so little to offer the world, except that he knew how to cook, and apparently, he wasn't half-bad at singing, either. He felt like someone who took up space more than anything (though he tried very hard to add value to his presence). There wasn't much about himself that Niki actively tried to hide, but that's also why he knew how hard it could be to be loved. Of course, he doesn't know what sort of things Kaname is afraid to show, but he's sure it exists for him, too, an unconditional love that will accept him no matter what.

...hmm. He's still hungry. Maybe just one more cookie.]

Well, you know, normally, making food that looks good can actually be pretty tough, but this is actually really easy. It's kinda like painting? Nahaha, not that I know anything about art, though~.

[It isn't his place to push this stuff, so he won't. But he does kind of hope that this little bit of honesty will make up for hiding his true feelings before. If Rinne didn't need to lie about love, then Niki shouldn't, either.]

I can show you how to do it next time, if you want. ♪

[ but shiina, for all his faults, is endearing and kind. he has a charm that naturally draws others and lets them feel at ease -- he understands it himself, having been under its influence. kaname...

... has been told many different things, but it doesn't fit his perception of what people should be happy to be around or attracted to in any way and so he's fought against it, vocally or just to himself. kaname doesn't want to chase it more here, so he won't say anything, and... he wants to believe shiina too. that as terrifying as it is, someone out there wants to know him like that. mm. ]

... Thank you. [ for the words. and the offer. but the words, it's for the words-- ] I'd like that. Drawing and coloring things is one of the few hobbies I've found myself enjoying here, so that sounds... up my alley, as I've heard it said.

[ not that he has any drawings on the fridge or anything but he does have a sketchbook in his room!!! it's filled with flowers and amateur portraits of people he likes, his imagination is endless when it comes to them. ]

Though I haven't tried more abstract things like this. I do think you have a good eye for color though, Shiina.

Nahaha, now you're just flattering me. [He says that, but it's a bashful smile that he wears.] Honestly, the glitter does most of the work. I just tried to remember the night sky from back home.

[It was actually a little nostalgic. It's been a while since the last time he and Rinne sat and just watched the sky together, but it's another thing Niki has fond memories of, looking up at the stars (or what they could see of them, in the city) on cool summer nights.

Sentimentality aside, Niki always put effort into things he made for other people, so while he's not sure about his aesthetic sense, he's still happy that his intent might be shining through.]

I'm glad you found something you like doing here, though, Yodaka-kun! There's not a lot to do around here, so finding something that stuck must have been really hard.

Edited 2023-03-30 14:11 (UTC)

[ ... mm. ]

-- If I may be honest. [ which he generally is for all his muddled feelings. ] In the end, it's merely a way to pass the time that I don't dislike doing.

At Reimei Academy, we had expectations and directions on how best to live and work. Even before that, however, I relied on my mother's words to light my way. I have neither of those here. [ ...

one of the amagi brothers might understand better, but he doesn't know that in full. ] Everyone saying that things like that don't matter anymore and I can do as I'd like is a poor substitute, though I know they're right. But it's easier said than done, don't you think?

[ it'd be easier if someone just planned out his life for him. or at least told him, even as a confirmation, to do a certain thing or chase after a particular dream. something that mattered. ]

Oh, yeah, I totally get that. Habits can be really hard to break, you know? I've tried!

[Niki had lots of things like that. Things about himself that he wished he could change but couldn't (although, in fairness, some of those things aren't habits so much as they're just... the way he was born). Things that other people wished they could change about him but couldn't, too. Whether they were good habits or bad ones, it's hard to do things differently from what you're used to.

He finishes this cookie and licks the crumbs from his fingers this time, too.]

Personally, I prefer freedom, but I know not everyone can live like that. [He crosses his arms, tilting his head thoughtfully.] Have you thought about what you want for yourself? Hmm, or maybe what someone else wants for you?

... "To live happily."

[ which is a sweet sentiment, but-- vague. he sort of plays with his mostly-eaten cookie, watching the glitter idly. he gets the feeling his brother wants that for him too, and... has always been the case, maybe, in its own way. helping him all that time.

but he was happy just to have something, someone, to cling to, all so he wouldn't float away. not that his brother remembers, but he is more stable with the older man around -- then and now, more days are spent grounded than not at all. kaname seems to want to say more, and after a moment he clicks his tongue. ]

It's far too vague, Shiina. [ the other, to be loved for himself, is a topic put to the side. ] I need something more concrete than that, but I feel like no one'll give me an answer I'll be satisfied with.

Yeah, that could mean anything. [He nods.] It's like, if you wanna make a cake, you need a recipe, but you need a list of ingredients, too, right? You can't just make a cake by thinking that you wanna make one.

[In other words, it's not enough to just have a goal, it's also important to know how to get there. Hmm...]

You could start by trying to figure out what you need to do in order to make a cake. If you don't know where to start, maybe you could ask other people what they like in a cake?

[He's hesitant to say the "obvious" thing about just finding someone to rely on like that, because he already knows the complexities of relationships like that, and he knows how difficult they can be. Maybe it'd be fine if it's mutual, but if it isn't... Then again, maybe he's biased, considering his own experiences with that kind of thing. But he doesn't think it's bad to rely on others altogether, either.

Alternatively...]

Or maybe you're not ready to bake a cake yet. What kind of answer would you be satisfied with?

[ hmmm.

... hmmmm. he glances at shiina, debating, and then sits up more with his hands folded. ]

... I want someone to tell me what to do. How to live. I need someone to give me a recipe to follow, but I don't think they will.

[ if someone could think for him, that would be great. no, relying on someone, being dependant on them while still doing what he enjoys versus having to think or do things for himself -- that's the dream, and one he hasn't told anyone.

sorry shiina. ]

[Hmm, yeah, he kind of figured that'd be the case.]

Well, you know, it's a lot of responsibility, holding someone else's life in your hands.

[That's probably a big part of it, he thinks. He idly wonders how HiMERU would feel about this... He knew how far HiMERU was willing to go for his brother, but he also figured— Well, HiMERU must have his reasons for sticking with Crazy:B, too, so it's hard for him to say. He isn't really sure what he'd do in this situation. But Niki would also never dream of putting someone in that position if they didn't want it (since, again, Niki knows too well what that's like). It's a complicated, messy thing, to rely on someone so deeply.

He thinks again of his relationship with Rinne, too, where despite all that he had done for him, and all that he'd be willing to do, telling him how to live was the absolute last thing he'd ever consider doing... But it's different, he supposes. After all, a lot of the troubles in their lives were a direct result of being told how to live. It's why he lets Rinne get away with so many things, even when he thinks he's wrong... though maybe that hadn't been the best way to handle things, either. But he, too, is only human.]

I don't think there's a such thing as a right or wrong way to live. I don't wanna give you advice that you don't want, but as long as you're happy, and as long as you aren't hurting anyone, that's probably all that matters.

[In other words, he can't tell him if he should or shouldn't live this way, as long as he isn't causing trouble for anyone.]

Edited 2023-04-05 15:59 (UTC)

[ ...

kaname leans back in his seat with a waned smile, face turning away. it's a somewhat tired expression that doesn't belong on someone just a year younger than shiina himself, and... kaname knows it was asking a lot from the other, too. "give me directions" is what it came down to, an unspoken request within his spoken desire, and of course shiina couldn't. no one can.

maybe his brother could, but he hesitates to ask. kaname's been getting along well so far, hasn't he? surely... ]

... Thank you for your words, however unhelpful they are. [ simple fact. ] You really are far too easy to talk to, Shiina; just forget I said anything at all.

[ so it won't weigh on his mind when he talks to his brother or whatever. look what you've done, stupid kaname, you've made the air weird and awkward. ]

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