perfectlie | ic contact

[ kicks his feet under the table... he's trying to think of anyone who comes close. there's no one he particularly feels as if he's known for forever. maybe tatsumi, but-- he remembered everyone simply because he's tatsumi, so that wasn't anything special either -- he was the same then (kaname's present, only a year older and just within reach) as he is now (kaname's future, older by a few years and just out of reach) so... no, nothing special.

...

who'd want to know him that well?

actually, it's a little scary that someone would want to. would they still like him if they knew he was nothing and nobody? if they knew he couldn't do half of what he claims so boldly? if they knew he killed someone? if they knew he hated pears because of their apple-like texture with no apple taste?

...

after a bit of a long pause, using eating his cookie as a good excuse, kaname replies. ]

No, I don't think I want to.

[ he can't say that he understands shiina's lot in life. kaname's unlucky too; he always has been, and always worked hard to get himself into good graces. to find his own blessings and make his own luck. but it's because he's unlucky he can lose it all in an instant, and every bit of that is sitting precariously on its head right now in the nest.

oh, he'll be so thankful when that shoe drops. a nice little "i knew it was too good to be true". ]

These cookies are delicious, Shiina. I'm certain my brother and Narukami will enjoy them as well. How did you manage to make them look so pretty?

[ let's change the subject. ]

[Ahaha... He knows what he's doing. Part of him wonders if he should let it go... But he kind of understands where he's coming from, he thinks, so he'll say just one more thing for now.]

There's nothing wrong with that. It's kind of scary, isn't it? But I think if even someone like me can be loved, then anyone can.

[Because Niki felt the same way—he was nothing and nobody. He had so little to offer the world, except that he knew how to cook, and apparently, he wasn't half-bad at singing, either. He felt like someone who took up space more than anything (though he tried very hard to add value to his presence). There wasn't much about himself that Niki actively tried to hide, but that's also why he knew how hard it could be to be loved. Of course, he doesn't know what sort of things Kaname is afraid to show, but he's sure it exists for him, too, an unconditional love that will accept him no matter what.

...hmm. He's still hungry. Maybe just one more cookie.]

Well, you know, normally, making food that looks good can actually be pretty tough, but this is actually really easy. It's kinda like painting? Nahaha, not that I know anything about art, though~.

[It isn't his place to push this stuff, so he won't. But he does kind of hope that this little bit of honesty will make up for hiding his true feelings before. If Rinne didn't need to lie about love, then Niki shouldn't, either.]

I can show you how to do it next time, if you want. ♪

[ but shiina, for all his faults, is endearing and kind. he has a charm that naturally draws others and lets them feel at ease -- he understands it himself, having been under its influence. kaname...

... has been told many different things, but it doesn't fit his perception of what people should be happy to be around or attracted to in any way and so he's fought against it, vocally or just to himself. kaname doesn't want to chase it more here, so he won't say anything, and... he wants to believe shiina too. that as terrifying as it is, someone out there wants to know him like that. mm. ]

... Thank you. [ for the words. and the offer. but the words, it's for the words-- ] I'd like that. Drawing and coloring things is one of the few hobbies I've found myself enjoying here, so that sounds... up my alley, as I've heard it said.

[ not that he has any drawings on the fridge or anything but he does have a sketchbook in his room!!! it's filled with flowers and amateur portraits of people he likes, his imagination is endless when it comes to them. ]

Though I haven't tried more abstract things like this. I do think you have a good eye for color though, Shiina.

Nahaha, now you're just flattering me. [He says that, but it's a bashful smile that he wears.] Honestly, the glitter does most of the work. I just tried to remember the night sky from back home.

[It was actually a little nostalgic. It's been a while since the last time he and Rinne sat and just watched the sky together, but it's another thing Niki has fond memories of, looking up at the stars (or what they could see of them, in the city) on cool summer nights.

Sentimentality aside, Niki always put effort into things he made for other people, so while he's not sure about his aesthetic sense, he's still happy that his intent might be shining through.]

I'm glad you found something you like doing here, though, Yodaka-kun! There's not a lot to do around here, so finding something that stuck must have been really hard.

Edited 2023-03-30 14:11 (UTC)

[ ... mm. ]

-- If I may be honest. [ which he generally is for all his muddled feelings. ] In the end, it's merely a way to pass the time that I don't dislike doing.

At Reimei Academy, we had expectations and directions on how best to live and work. Even before that, however, I relied on my mother's words to light my way. I have neither of those here. [ ...

one of the amagi brothers might understand better, but he doesn't know that in full. ] Everyone saying that things like that don't matter anymore and I can do as I'd like is a poor substitute, though I know they're right. But it's easier said than done, don't you think?

[ it'd be easier if someone just planned out his life for him. or at least told him, even as a confirmation, to do a certain thing or chase after a particular dream. something that mattered. ]

Oh, yeah, I totally get that. Habits can be really hard to break, you know? I've tried!

[Niki had lots of things like that. Things about himself that he wished he could change but couldn't (although, in fairness, some of those things aren't habits so much as they're just... the way he was born). Things that other people wished they could change about him but couldn't, too. Whether they were good habits or bad ones, it's hard to do things differently from what you're used to.

He finishes this cookie and licks the crumbs from his fingers this time, too.]

Personally, I prefer freedom, but I know not everyone can live like that. [He crosses his arms, tilting his head thoughtfully.] Have you thought about what you want for yourself? Hmm, or maybe what someone else wants for you?

... "To live happily."

[ which is a sweet sentiment, but-- vague. he sort of plays with his mostly-eaten cookie, watching the glitter idly. he gets the feeling his brother wants that for him too, and... has always been the case, maybe, in its own way. helping him all that time.

but he was happy just to have something, someone, to cling to, all so he wouldn't float away. not that his brother remembers, but he is more stable with the older man around -- then and now, more days are spent grounded than not at all. kaname seems to want to say more, and after a moment he clicks his tongue. ]

It's far too vague, Shiina. [ the other, to be loved for himself, is a topic put to the side. ] I need something more concrete than that, but I feel like no one'll give me an answer I'll be satisfied with.

Yeah, that could mean anything. [He nods.] It's like, if you wanna make a cake, you need a recipe, but you need a list of ingredients, too, right? You can't just make a cake by thinking that you wanna make one.

[In other words, it's not enough to just have a goal, it's also important to know how to get there. Hmm...]

You could start by trying to figure out what you need to do in order to make a cake. If you don't know where to start, maybe you could ask other people what they like in a cake?

[He's hesitant to say the "obvious" thing about just finding someone to rely on like that, because he already knows the complexities of relationships like that, and he knows how difficult they can be. Maybe it'd be fine if it's mutual, but if it isn't... Then again, maybe he's biased, considering his own experiences with that kind of thing. But he doesn't think it's bad to rely on others altogether, either.

Alternatively...]

Or maybe you're not ready to bake a cake yet. What kind of answer would you be satisfied with?

[ hmmm.

... hmmmm. he glances at shiina, debating, and then sits up more with his hands folded. ]

... I want someone to tell me what to do. How to live. I need someone to give me a recipe to follow, but I don't think they will.

[ if someone could think for him, that would be great. no, relying on someone, being dependant on them while still doing what he enjoys versus having to think or do things for himself -- that's the dream, and one he hasn't told anyone.

sorry shiina. ]

[Hmm, yeah, he kind of figured that'd be the case.]

Well, you know, it's a lot of responsibility, holding someone else's life in your hands.

[That's probably a big part of it, he thinks. He idly wonders how HiMERU would feel about this... He knew how far HiMERU was willing to go for his brother, but he also figured— Well, HiMERU must have his reasons for sticking with Crazy:B, too, so it's hard for him to say. He isn't really sure what he'd do in this situation. But Niki would also never dream of putting someone in that position if they didn't want it (since, again, Niki knows too well what that's like). It's a complicated, messy thing, to rely on someone so deeply.

He thinks again of his relationship with Rinne, too, where despite all that he had done for him, and all that he'd be willing to do, telling him how to live was the absolute last thing he'd ever consider doing... But it's different, he supposes. After all, a lot of the troubles in their lives were a direct result of being told how to live. It's why he lets Rinne get away with so many things, even when he thinks he's wrong... though maybe that hadn't been the best way to handle things, either. But he, too, is only human.]

I don't think there's a such thing as a right or wrong way to live. I don't wanna give you advice that you don't want, but as long as you're happy, and as long as you aren't hurting anyone, that's probably all that matters.

[In other words, he can't tell him if he should or shouldn't live this way, as long as he isn't causing trouble for anyone.]

Edited 2023-04-05 15:59 (UTC)

[ ...

kaname leans back in his seat with a waned smile, face turning away. it's a somewhat tired expression that doesn't belong on someone just a year younger than shiina himself, and... kaname knows it was asking a lot from the other, too. "give me directions" is what it came down to, an unspoken request within his spoken desire, and of course shiina couldn't. no one can.

maybe his brother could, but he hesitates to ask. kaname's been getting along well so far, hasn't he? surely... ]

... Thank you for your words, however unhelpful they are. [ simple fact. ] You really are far too easy to talk to, Shiina; just forget I said anything at all.

[ so it won't weigh on his mind when he talks to his brother or whatever. look what you've done, stupid kaname, you've made the air weird and awkward. ]

Nahaha... Sorry. I wish I could be more helpful, but the truth is, I'm totally useless! I don't have any goals or dreams at all~.

[It wasn't that he didn't understand it, because he did. He can empathize with it, the feeling of having dreams (because Rinne had them, once) and he could understand the feeling of desiring direction (because a lot of people did, really). He just wasn't like that. But in this case, while what he says is true, it's probably more of an excuse, because... he really can't bring himself to be that kind of person for Kaname, unfortunately. As much as Niki wanted to be useful, to be needed, he also... really wants to be free. This would kind of go against everything he believes in.

Maybe that's selfish of him? But then again, he's a pretty selfish person to begin with.]

But nah, don't worry about it. Honestly, it makes me really happy you think that! People usually tell me I'm impossible to talk to. I'm just glad you felt like you could trust me at all.

[So, Niki won't forget it! Because trusting someone is a difficult thing to do, and he would never betray that trust. This conversation would stay between them, easily. It wasn't his place to get more involved, anyway.]

[ no forget it... it's an imperfect side of him, but he guesses "yodaka" is allowed to be imperfect where "kaname" and "HiMERU" are not. he continues to look off to the side, chewing his cheek.

mm. okay. ]

You and Hiiro both have others around you that say such odd things. He says he's been called stupid, and now you with this -- I think they aren't taking the time to listen to you. Either of you.

[ let's once again get it off him...☆ ]

[Niki will let this one go. He does feel kind of bad that he can't be what Kaname needs, but he's certain it's for the best, for both Kaname's sake and his own. His feelings about relying on others and being relied upon are just a little bit too complicated, and... he does think he's pretty useless, so he would probably just disappoint him more, anyway. It's better this way.]

Well, I don't think anyone who says those things about me is wrong, really~. I'm totally weird, and it's true that the only thing I know anything about is food. [But... Rinne would say that, too, that the things people said about him weren't true, that they didn't listen enough. So he thinks Kaname's words are very sweet.] You're right, though. I don't think the little bro is dumb at all. I think he's just as smart as his brother, honestly... It's actually kind of scary sometimes!

[Niki didn't know Hiiro half as well as he knew Rinne, but having grown up with Rinne, he could imagine why people probably thought that about Hiiro... But Niki really did think Hiiro wasn't any of the negative things he tended to say about himself.

Funny how easy it is to believe that when it's about someone else, though!]

[ if shiina had become his guiding light only to die, that would have been fucked up. better this way. and. well, shiina is right in a way, the only thing he knows anything about is food, just like how the only thing kaname really knows anything about is idols. ]

Right? He can be clueless about certain things, but that doesn't make him stupid -- how can someone be stupid about something they've never even learned or thought about? Hiiro picks things up so easily if you give him the chance to, though sometimes it still goes over his head...

[ talking about hiiro is so much more comforting. oh my god. who else does he gets to complain to about his friend these days. no one. narukami's a bust and it isn't like he's comfortable enough to air it out with anyone else, so shiina's getting the brunt of it since he understands. ]

That's why they're so surprised when he does know something, or understand something they didn't think he would -- but there's nothing surprising about it. They simply underestimated him and paid the price for it. [ hmph!!! ] Besides, there are other things to pick at about him, like... like how earnest he is for the sake of others while not thinking about himself, or how he's always holding their hands whether-- no, especially if they never say they'd like to or offer first, that physicality truly is a bother, you know? It's something he and Amagi have in common too.

[ touchy... kaname isn't quite done, he's animated now as he leans on the table. ]

And Hiiro's annoyingly observant on top of it all! It's as if he wants to know you're there, and then that makes you know you're there too, and it's just-- it's annoying. Isn't it?

[IT WOULD BE SO FUCKED UP. Thank god Niki has issues. But anyway, this is adorable as heck. Holy shit. He wasn't ready for this?! But Kaname seems so much more at ease now, and Niki's grateful for that. Talking about Rinne can be difficult, because there are so many things he doesn't want people to know, but Hiiro? That's easy. There's nothing to hide there, so Niki smiles. He can roll with this, no problem.]

I know, right~? Whenever we talk, I feel like he always sees right through me! But then again, I guess he does know me better than I know him. [He remembers the day they arrived here, how Hiiro took his hand without a second thought. Niki had only seen his face a handful of times before that, and it was only the very last time that he realized he was his best friend's brother, even. Hiiro had mentioned that they were roommates, but... actually, Niki was sure he would have done that even if they weren't.] He'd probably be really dangerous if he wasn't such a good kid.

["Dangerous" like in the way Rinne could be dangerous, how he can figure out your weaknesses and he could use them against you, if he wanted to. But like his brother, Hiiro has a good heart, and he probably wouldn't dream of it.]

I think that's exactly the kind of person he is. He wants to know you're there, and he wants to keep you there, if he can. Not just for himself, but for you, too.

[He thinks about how Hiiro could tell whenever something was wrong, and how he'd try to fix it, even if he didn't understand it. It had been hard for Niki to have those conversations, because the solutions weren't as simple as Hiiro seemed to think, but... he'd appreciated the intent behind them, anyway.]

It's aggravating.

[ not really. it's the sort of thing kaname wants from others, really. what he likes about tatsumi and what he hates about him in turn -- being seen is as mortifying as it is intoxicating. he rests his cheek in a hand and sighs. ]

But it makes him a brilliant idol, and... a wonderful friend. [ it's so much easier to praise people when they aren't around. kaname's closing his eyes. ] It's strange to say, but I don't want to imagine a future without him in it.

[ ..................

clearing his throat. ]

O-Or the others. Like Ala, who is another friend of mine. She is by far the most chaotic girl I have ever met, but she's also-- she's similar to Hiiro in a few ways, even if she's actually dangerous, but she's still a good friend.

[ y yeah yup it's fine ]

[Ah, yes, Ala. She definitely almost killed Niki multiple times. He completely understands where Kaname is coming from with that. But he doesn't say that, he just smiles as he takes another drink.]

There are a lot of wonderful people here, huh?

[It's a bit bittersweet, although Niki had been distinctly aware of that from the start. This place was cruel, and... they were just idols, they shouldn't have to be here, but...]

I didn't actually know a lot of people before I got here, so it's been pretty nice getting to meet everyone. Having so many friends to share meals with really is the best. ♪

[Their own house had gotten emptier with regard to roommates, but it was okay. Every person that stopped by even just for a quick snack was something that Niki would probably treasure for a long time. He's never had so many people that he felt like he could call real friends.]

I don't really know what a lot of them are like as idols, but... I think I can imagine it. And I think that's true for everyone. I think they all shine bright in their own ways. You, too, Yodaka-kun!

[ jury's out on if she still wants to kill kaname to make him her forever friend but he, too, has nearly died because of her. but he didn't realize it so it's fine. ]

... Of course. Though if you've seen my brother perform, then you've seen me perform as well; I followed quite closely in his footsteps.

[ it's the other way around, but whatever. there's differences between them, he's sure... his brother is undoubtedly more polished, more precise and without a moment's inefficiency, because that's just how he is -- an ideal idol, what an idol should be, selling a fantasy. but people smile at kaname's performances and say he looks like he's having fun (he is, he is) so

maybe that's okay. ]

I've gotten used to it by now, but I thought you all were such strange examples of idols -- to the point that I doubted you were, despite knowing better. You were all so very...

[ ... it isn't that he's looking for a kind way to put it, because he wouldn't waste time on that, but the word in general -- they were all so... ]

... Mundane. Your lives expanded outside of that sphere, and it felt like being an idol was simply secondary. Naturally it was better that way, given the poor state of this town, but it was... hard to wrap my mind around. [ he was jealous, too. that they had an existence more firmly rooted than his own. ] It made everything that was so big back home small in comparison.

[ things that felt like life or death, things that weighed heavier than that should -- like a frog in a well, as soon as he left the darkness he knew for the unknown he found just how big the world could be. and it only strengthened his desire to sing. ]

[Hmm, he definitely remembers him saying that his brother had no interest in being an idol, though...

There are implications here, but if Niki thinks too hard about them, he might have to eat more cookies and they aren't for him!! So he'll put a pin in that for now.]

Nahaha, I think a lot of us had other plans before we became idols, so maybe that's why? I definitely didn't grow up thinking I would be one.

[It wasn't a thought that had ever even crossed his mind, not until he met Rinne, whose eyes sparkled whenever he talked about them. He'd never imagined he'd be anything but a chef. There was also the whole blackmail thing, but you know.]

But you're right, it probably worked out better this way. [They weren't suited to this place... but the Amagis' hunting skills had been an integral part of their survival here. Kanata's knowledge and skills with fish had been useful back when they still had fish. Mayoi and Nazuna could mend clothes, and they could help with the cooking, too...] Everyone has something they're good at that makes our lives a little easier. People are pretty amazing, right? ♪

...I kinda miss it, though. Life was better when all I had to worry about was if I was going to be fired or not.

[He'd learned a lot since coming here, so it wasn't all bad. The future looked a lot brighter, actually. But he also missed the time where he didn't have to worry about weird things like death and demons and monsters and everything in between. It really was a simpler time.]

What a simple life you lived, Shiina.

[ but it's not mean or bitter, it's a little... resigned...? maybe, that flavor of melancholy. sips his drink. ]

... Not that it's too different than anyone else's. Even students like myself have to take care when debuting in the industry, since we're stepping into an adult world earlier than many of our peers. Good enough idols don't have to worry about being dismissed, though.

[ they can afford a misstep if it's reacted to smoothly enough, or making an odd answer to a question part of their charm... but they pile up, too. especially if you're not good at either. ]

Regardless, I suppose what it boils down to is the same: the problems you knew are preferable to the ones that've yet to come.

[Niki's not bothered by it. He did live a simple life, after all. He's a very simple person! Although he wonders if he should say it's not a matter of being good or bad, it's a matter of the idol industry being terrible, actually...

That's kind of a depressing thought, though, so maybe he shouldn't. It's not really about that, anyway, so he just nods.]

Yep, you can say that again~. [Niki had already dealt with one of the worst possible scenarios when he arrived here, so there was actually very little he was afraid of at this point... But the thing he was afraid of was still a big enough deal that it fueled everything he did now.] I try not to get stressed out about stuff because it just makes me hungrier, but that doesn't mean it isn't troublesome.

[That isn't the only reason, of course. Even more than that, he didn't want to stress out the people he cared about. They had enough problems on their hands without worrying about him more than he knew they already did.]

I think things will work out one way or another, though. Everyone here is really strong in their own ways. It'd just be nice if our problems were that simple again.

[Maybe he's just tired of worrying about death all the time.]

[ well. now he can't say he almost prefers having to worry if he's going to live or die the next day, since that's less stressful than filling shoes he has no business wearing. just because the problems back home are small and far off doesn't mean they aren't heavy. ]

... Mm. Certainly.

[ at least some of kaname's troubles are easing as he gets used to them, as he accepts them bit by bit as good troubles to have versus things that could ruin what he's got, and the ones that aren't easing he can simply avoid for the time being. he can pick and choose when he wants to deal with them. it's fine.

nothing shiina needs to hear about, since it'd just make things complicated on his brother's end, but it's fine. ]

Shiina, I feel this is to your strengths more, but will you answer a rather silly question for me?

[If it's to his strengths, that can only mean it's about food, right? With that in mind, Niki answers easily (though really, his answer would be yes either way). Anything for his friend's little brother!]

Sure, what's up?

If you were a fruit or a vegetable, what would you be?

[ he wants to see something. ]

ic contact

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)