kaname "yodaka" tojo - 十条要 「よだか」 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
perfectlie) wrote2023-01-16 03:35 am
perfectlie) wrote2023-01-16 03:35 amic contact
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perfectlie) wrote2023-01-16 03:35 am
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[ which is a sweet sentiment, but-- vague. he sort of plays with his mostly-eaten cookie, watching the glitter idly. he gets the feeling his brother wants that for him too, and... has always been the case, maybe, in its own way. helping him all that time.
but he was happy just to have something, someone, to cling to, all so he wouldn't float away. not that his brother remembers, but he is more stable with the older man around -- then and now, more days are spent grounded than not at all. kaname seems to want to say more, and after a moment he clicks his tongue. ]
It's far too vague, Shiina. [ the other, to be loved for himself, is a topic put to the side. ] I need something more concrete than that, but I feel like no one'll give me an answer I'll be satisfied with.
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[In other words, it's not enough to just have a goal, it's also important to know how to get there. Hmm...]
You could start by trying to figure out what you need to do in order to make a cake. If you don't know where to start, maybe you could ask other people what they like in a cake?
[He's hesitant to say the "obvious" thing about just finding someone to rely on like that, because he already knows the complexities of relationships like that, and he knows how difficult they can be. Maybe it'd be fine if it's mutual, but if it isn't... Then again, maybe he's biased, considering his own experiences with that kind of thing. But he doesn't think it's bad to rely on others altogether, either.
Alternatively...]
Or maybe you're not ready to bake a cake yet. What kind of answer would you be satisfied with?
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... hmmmm. he glances at shiina, debating, and then sits up more with his hands folded. ]
... I want someone to tell me what to do. How to live. I need someone to give me a recipe to follow, but I don't think they will.
[ if someone could think for him, that would be great. no, relying on someone, being dependant on them while still doing what he enjoys versus having to think or do things for himself -- that's the dream, and one he hasn't told anyone.
sorry shiina. ]
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Well, you know, it's a lot of responsibility, holding someone else's life in your hands.
[That's probably a big part of it, he thinks. He idly wonders how HiMERU would feel about this... He knew how far HiMERU was willing to go for his brother, but he also figured— Well, HiMERU must have his reasons for sticking with Crazy:B, too, so it's hard for him to say. He isn't really sure what he'd do in this situation. But Niki would also never dream of putting someone in that position if they didn't want it (since, again, Niki knows too well what that's like). It's a complicated, messy thing, to rely on someone so deeply.
He thinks again of his relationship with Rinne, too, where despite all that he had done for him, and all that he'd be willing to do, telling him how to live was the absolute last thing he'd ever consider doing... But it's different, he supposes. After all, a lot of the troubles in their lives were a direct result of being told how to live. It's why he lets Rinne get away with so many things, even when he thinks he's wrong... though maybe that hadn't been the best way to handle things, either. But he, too, is only human.]
I don't think there's a such thing as a right or wrong way to live. I don't wanna give you advice that you don't want, but as long as you're happy, and as long as you aren't hurting anyone, that's probably all that matters.
[In other words, he can't tell him if he should or shouldn't live this way, as long as he isn't causing trouble for anyone.]
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kaname leans back in his seat with a waned smile, face turning away. it's a somewhat tired expression that doesn't belong on someone just a year younger than shiina himself, and... kaname knows it was asking a lot from the other, too. "give me directions" is what it came down to, an unspoken request within his spoken desire, and of course shiina couldn't. no one can.
maybe his brother could, but he hesitates to ask. kaname's been getting along well so far, hasn't he? surely... ]
... Thank you for your words, however unhelpful they are. [ simple fact. ] You really are far too easy to talk to, Shiina; just forget I said anything at all.
[ so it won't weigh on his mind when he talks to his brother or whatever. look what you've done, stupid kaname, you've made the air weird and awkward. ]
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[It wasn't that he didn't understand it, because he did. He can empathize with it, the feeling of having dreams (because Rinne had them, once) and he could understand the feeling of desiring direction (because a lot of people did, really). He just wasn't like that. But in this case, while what he says is true, it's probably more of an excuse, because... he really can't bring himself to be that kind of person for Kaname, unfortunately. As much as Niki wanted to be useful, to be needed, he also... really wants to be free. This would kind of go against everything he believes in.
Maybe that's selfish of him? But then again, he's a pretty selfish person to begin with.]
But nah, don't worry about it. Honestly, it makes me really happy you think that! People usually tell me I'm impossible to talk to. I'm just glad you felt like you could trust me at all.
[So, Niki won't forget it! Because trusting someone is a difficult thing to do, and he would never betray that trust. This conversation would stay between them, easily. It wasn't his place to get more involved, anyway.]
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mm. okay. ]
You and Hiiro both have others around you that say such odd things. He says he's been called stupid, and now you with this -- I think they aren't taking the time to listen to you. Either of you.
[ let's once again get it off him...☆ ]
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Well, I don't think anyone who says those things about me is wrong, really~. I'm totally weird, and it's true that the only thing I know anything about is food. [But... Rinne would say that, too, that the things people said about him weren't true, that they didn't listen enough. So he thinks Kaname's words are very sweet.] You're right, though. I don't think the little bro is dumb at all. I think he's just as smart as his brother, honestly... It's actually kind of scary sometimes!
[Niki didn't know Hiiro half as well as he knew Rinne, but having grown up with Rinne, he could imagine why people probably thought that about Hiiro... But Niki really did think Hiiro wasn't any of the negative things he tended to say about himself.
Funny how easy it is to believe that when it's about someone else, though!]
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Right? He can be clueless about certain things, but that doesn't make him stupid -- how can someone be stupid about something they've never even learned or thought about? Hiiro picks things up so easily if you give him the chance to, though sometimes it still goes over his head...
[ talking about hiiro is so much more comforting. oh my god. who else does he gets to complain to about his friend these days. no one. narukami's a bust and it isn't like he's comfortable enough to air it out with anyone else, so shiina's getting the brunt of it since he understands. ]
That's why they're so surprised when he does know something, or understand something they didn't think he would -- but there's nothing surprising about it. They simply underestimated him and paid the price for it. [ hmph!!! ] Besides, there are other things to pick at about him, like... like how earnest he is for the sake of others while not thinking about himself, or how he's always holding their hands whether-- no, especially if they never say they'd like to or offer first, that physicality truly is a bother, you know? It's something he and Amagi have in common too.
[ touchy... kaname isn't quite done, he's animated now as he leans on the table. ]
And Hiiro's annoyingly observant on top of it all! It's as if he wants to know you're there, and then that makes you know you're there too, and it's just-- it's annoying. Isn't it?
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I know, right~? Whenever we talk, I feel like he always sees right through me! But then again, I guess he does know me better than I know him. [He remembers the day they arrived here, how Hiiro took his hand without a second thought. Niki had only seen his face a handful of times before that, and it was only the very last time that he realized he was his best friend's brother, even. Hiiro had mentioned that they were roommates, but... actually, Niki was sure he would have done that even if they weren't.] He'd probably be really dangerous if he wasn't such a good kid.
["Dangerous" like in the way Rinne could be dangerous, how he can figure out your weaknesses and he could use them against you, if he wanted to. But like his brother, Hiiro has a good heart, and he probably wouldn't dream of it.]
I think that's exactly the kind of person he is. He wants to know you're there, and he wants to keep you there, if he can. Not just for himself, but for you, too.
[He thinks about how Hiiro could tell whenever something was wrong, and how he'd try to fix it, even if he didn't understand it. It had been hard for Niki to have those conversations, because the solutions weren't as simple as Hiiro seemed to think, but... he'd appreciated the intent behind them, anyway.]
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[ not really. it's the sort of thing kaname wants from others, really. what he likes about tatsumi and what he hates about him in turn -- being seen is as mortifying as it is intoxicating. he rests his cheek in a hand and sighs. ]
But it makes him a brilliant idol, and... a wonderful friend. [ it's so much easier to praise people when they aren't around. kaname's closing his eyes. ] It's strange to say, but I don't want to imagine a future without him in it.
[ ..................
clearing his throat. ]
O-Or the others. Like Ala, who is another friend of mine. She is by far the most chaotic girl I have ever met, but she's also-- she's similar to Hiiro in a few ways, even if she's actually dangerous, but she's still a good friend.
[ y yeah yup it's fine ]
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There are a lot of wonderful people here, huh?
[It's a bit bittersweet, although Niki had been distinctly aware of that from the start. This place was cruel, and... they were just idols, they shouldn't have to be here, but...]
I didn't actually know a lot of people before I got here, so it's been pretty nice getting to meet everyone. Having so many friends to share meals with really is the best. ♪
[Their own house had gotten emptier with regard to roommates, but it was okay. Every person that stopped by even just for a quick snack was something that Niki would probably treasure for a long time. He's never had so many people that he felt like he could call real friends.]
I don't really know what a lot of them are like as idols, but... I think I can imagine it. And I think that's true for everyone. I think they all shine bright in their own ways. You, too, Yodaka-kun!
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... Of course. Though if you've seen my brother perform, then you've seen me perform as well; I followed quite closely in his footsteps.
[ it's the other way around, but whatever. there's differences between them, he's sure... his brother is undoubtedly more polished, more precise and without a moment's inefficiency, because that's just how he is -- an ideal idol, what an idol should be, selling a fantasy. but people smile at kaname's performances and say he looks like he's having fun (he is, he is) so
maybe that's okay. ]
I've gotten used to it by now, but I thought you all were such strange examples of idols -- to the point that I doubted you were, despite knowing better. You were all so very...
[ ... it isn't that he's looking for a kind way to put it, because he wouldn't waste time on that, but the word in general -- they were all so... ]
... Mundane. Your lives expanded outside of that sphere, and it felt like being an idol was simply secondary. Naturally it was better that way, given the poor state of this town, but it was... hard to wrap my mind around. [ he was jealous, too. that they had an existence more firmly rooted than his own. ] It made everything that was so big back home small in comparison.
[ things that felt like life or death, things that weighed heavier than that should -- like a frog in a well, as soon as he left the darkness he knew for the unknown he found just how big the world could be. and it only strengthened his desire to sing. ]
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There are implications here, but if Niki thinks too hard about them, he might have to eat more cookies and they aren't for him!! So he'll put a pin in that for now.]
Nahaha, I think a lot of us had other plans before we became idols, so maybe that's why? I definitely didn't grow up thinking I would be one.
[It wasn't a thought that had ever even crossed his mind, not until he met Rinne, whose eyes sparkled whenever he talked about them. He'd never imagined he'd be anything but a chef. There was also the whole blackmail thing, but you know.]
But you're right, it probably worked out better this way. [They weren't suited to this place... but the Amagis' hunting skills had been an integral part of their survival here. Kanata's knowledge and skills with fish had been useful back when they still had fish. Mayoi and Nazuna could mend clothes, and they could help with the cooking, too...] Everyone has something they're good at that makes our lives a little easier. People are pretty amazing, right? ♪
...I kinda miss it, though. Life was better when all I had to worry about was if I was going to be fired or not.
[He'd learned a lot since coming here, so it wasn't all bad. The future looked a lot brighter, actually. But he also missed the time where he didn't have to worry about weird things like death and demons and monsters and everything in between. It really was a simpler time.]
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[ but it's not mean or bitter, it's a little... resigned...? maybe, that flavor of melancholy. sips his drink. ]
... Not that it's too different than anyone else's. Even students like myself have to take care when debuting in the industry, since we're stepping into an adult world earlier than many of our peers. Good enough idols don't have to worry about being dismissed, though.
[ they can afford a misstep if it's reacted to smoothly enough, or making an odd answer to a question part of their charm... but they pile up, too. especially if you're not good at either. ]
Regardless, I suppose what it boils down to is the same: the problems you knew are preferable to the ones that've yet to come.
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That's kind of a depressing thought, though, so maybe he shouldn't. It's not really about that, anyway, so he just nods.]
Yep, you can say that again~. [Niki had already dealt with one of the worst possible scenarios when he arrived here, so there was actually very little he was afraid of at this point... But the thing he was afraid of was still a big enough deal that it fueled everything he did now.] I try not to get stressed out about stuff because it just makes me hungrier, but that doesn't mean it isn't troublesome.
[That isn't the only reason, of course. Even more than that, he didn't want to stress out the people he cared about. They had enough problems on their hands without worrying about him more than he knew they already did.]
I think things will work out one way or another, though. Everyone here is really strong in their own ways. It'd just be nice if our problems were that simple again.
[Maybe he's just tired of worrying about death all the time.]
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... Mm. Certainly.
[ at least some of kaname's troubles are easing as he gets used to them, as he accepts them bit by bit as good troubles to have versus things that could ruin what he's got, and the ones that aren't easing he can simply avoid for the time being. he can pick and choose when he wants to deal with them. it's fine.
nothing shiina needs to hear about, since it'd just make things complicated on his brother's end, but it's fine. ]
Shiina, I feel this is to your strengths more, but will you answer a rather silly question for me?
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Sure, what's up?
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[ he wants to see something. ]
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Hmm... That's kind of a tough question. I'm not sure I am like one. I mean, even the least nutritious fruits and vegetables can still be pretty tasty, right? There's no such thing as a useless ingredient. Even potatoes or celery are more useful than me.
[He says this completely casually, like it's the most normal thing in the world.]
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shiina gets a taste of what everyone else gets right now as kaname kicks him from under the table. ]
Answer properly, Shiina. I can't stand people who put themselves down. If you need an example, I said I'd want to be a tomato.
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[There are so many implications here! But his answer is sincere: he doesn't think he has as much value as something like food, which is a necessity to live. How can he compare to that? That doesn't mean he thinks the same is true for others, though, so he asks:]
Why would you be a tomato?
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Because it's efficient. Why would I bother thinking so seriously about such a stupid question when that particular fruitable does the job of both?
[ it's smart!!!! he is such a smart boy!!!!! this is definitely an answer that would charm people and not put them off or make a variety show's mood dip. ]
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Nahaha, that is efficient! Just the kind of answer you'd expect from a real idol. ♪
[Isn't he also a real idol, though?!]
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You're a real idol as well, Shiina -- you've debuted, haven't you? Your fans would adore an answer like that. It's very you to think so hard about it.
[ yes, those at ES certainly are lucky... no, even now with how CosPro seems to have changed -- kaname can't help but envy it. would he be able to look forward to the same in a few years time? is it thanks to tatsumi's ideals?
... was he able to be of help in some way, despite the rejection? ]
I believe mine would expect a more thoughtful answer, on the other hand.
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